In the United States in a given year, anywhere from 600,000 to 1 million women will struggle with anxiety, depression, or mood disorders related to pregnancy and childbirth*. More than likely your mother, aunt, sister, neighbor, or best friend has suffered. Perhaps you have suffered. Perhaps you have suffered in silence- like me. As a new mom, I felt like I was drowning. Literally. Eventually, God gave me the courage to open up to a friend. Sharing my experiences, my thoughts and fears, the worst parts of myself that I wanted to keep hidden, helped me to begin healing. This poem is an expression of my healing journey. It is my prayer that in sharing this part of myself with you, you will find strength and courage to help yourself or a loved one. My message to you, dear friend, fellow mother, is this: You are loved. You are not alone.
*postpartumprogress.org/the-facts-about-postpartum-depression/
“I am a Mother”
by, Shelley Polly
Winter
I am a monster
I hold our son and feel… ambivalence
Oh God what if he dies?
Oh God what if he lives?
Sam looks at me with piercing eyes
He knows
Spring
I am a missing person
In my mind I get in the truck
Close the door
Drive to... anywhere else
I leave a note for my husband
"Start over"
Sam deserves better
Summer
I am a wayfaring stranger
I play hide and seek
Blurring myself into sky, trees, ground
Sam tugs at my shirt
Mom? Mom where are you?
Fall
I am a mother
One morning I awake to find
The sky, the trees, the ground… and me
I open the door
Mom? Where are we going?
Adventure, Sam!
Want to come along?
Sam smiles at me
He knows
I am a mother
