For many people, myself included, self-care means things like regular massages or getting to the gym a certain number of times each week. And those are all great things, but as I started trying to take better care of myself a year or two ago, I kept hitting a wall. A big, stressed-out, ball of nerves wall.
I was anxious. All. The. Time. And I don’t mean “Oh, I feel a little nervous.” No, I was 'can’t breathe, stomach aches, body is jittery, can’t sleep' anxious.
At first, I tried to ignore it, write it off as just who I was. “I’m just a high-stress person” became my motto. (What a crappy motto!) I tried to take care of it with meditation. (Don’t get me wrong, meditation is a great method of self-care, but when you’re in a full-on anxiety attack, the meditation ship has sailed.)
I tried to reduce my stress by being extra organized, making sure I had lists, and that everything was scheduled. But then my perfectionism and anxiety would crash into each other and bring me to a standstill.
If I couldn’t do something perfectly, I worried, why do it at all? So I’d put it off. Which would make me anxious. Which would make it even harder to get started. Which would make me more anxious. Which would... well, you get the idea.
I even did the therapy thing. (I LOVE therapy!) But every time my therapist would ask if I wanted to try meds, I’d say no.
“I’ve got a handle on it," I said.
Lies.
All lies.
I don’t know why I tried to muddle through on my own. I don’t know why I didn’t accept more help sooner, but it took being in the ER one morning with chest pains to finally shake some sense into me. I was not having a heart attack. In fact, I was perfectly healthy, so why didn’t I feel better?
Enter Lexapro. Ahhhh, Lexapro. I could write poetry to the wonders of Lexapro and how it has improved my life. As the fabulous Glennon Doyle says “Jesus loves me this I know, for he gave me Lexapro.”
Suddenly I could breathe again. I could sleep. Little things didn’t send me into a state of panic. I was kinder to my husband. (Oh, my poor husband, who took the brunt of my unhappiness.) Suddenly I could think about other self-care things like massages, exercise, reading a good book, and meditation.
I’m not a doctor. I’ve never even played one on TV. (ba dum dum) I’m not writing this to convince anyone to run out and get on meds. But just to focus on manis/pedis and massages (I love both!), like that’s all a mom -- or any woman -- might need to feel good, would be insincere coming from me.
I’m not ashamed of needing Lexapro. I’m not embarrassed by my anxiety disorder. I hope that by letting it all hang out, I can encourage other people, especially other women, to speak their truth as well, even if it’s just to their doctor.
So there ya have it. Self-care means a lot of things and I try to engage in many of them. I love a good massage. I love glitter nail polish and getting regular manicures. I love to meditate. I’m trying to love (well, tolerate) exercise. And I also love Lexapro.
Thanks for leaning out with me.
Take some time for yourself this week.
You’re worth it.
The whole “lean in” movement never sat well with Sara Youngblood-Ochoa. More power to the women who thrive leaning in, but the more she tried to, the unhappier she got. So she leaned out and began focusing on things she truly loved -- spending time with her family (1 handsome husband, 1 awesome son, 1 snuggly cat, and 1 crazy kitten), traveling, and attending the theatre ... just to name a few things. She has also begun focusing on putting her own oxygen mask on, so to speak, and wants to help shine a light on self-care for moms.
With 10 years experience in the blogging/e-newsletter/social media world, Sara enjoys sharing the things she's learned on this journey and in turn learning from other women. No matter which way you choose to lean, in or out, join Sara over at Sara Leans Out.
