Dig Deeper to Create Adult Friendships that Matter

I had two friends lose a parent recently. Of course, when these things happen, you immediately want to hold your family a little closer. Call them and tell them how much you love them. I did that, of course.

But as I sat there at my friend’s mom’s memorial service, listening to the story of her mother’s life, who her mother was to her and her siblings, and all the adventures her mom had been on, I was overwhelmed by the sorrow I felt in not knowing any of these details about my friend's mother. We've been friends for more than three years but I realized as I listened that I really knew nothing deep about her life. I was struck by the fact that I knew nothing about her father, nothing about her upbringing, not a whole lot about her siblings, or her life before I knew her. And not knowing all of this about my friend made me sad, on a very selfish level. 

As I made this realization, I also realized that I didn’t know much beyond the surface level of my other friend's life either. I didn't know, for instance, that her father was a huge part of her life. Sadly, I only found that out when I heard of his passing. 

Digging in to deepen friendships

I’ve come to recognize (as I think many of us moms know all too well) that making friends as an adult is really difficult. It was difficult for me in college, and it just hasn’t gotten easier, especially since becoming a mom. 

But what I’ve really noticed this week is that it’s even more difficult to dive deeply into a friendship as a mom and adult. In my adult friendships, I tend to ask lots of questions about the kids, about potty-training, about sleep-training, about schedules, activities, etc. You know, all the things all of us moms have in common on the surface. But what about these deep questions that truly make us who we all are? What about those difficult times we’ve been through, and how we got through them? What about the big, exciting, happy moments of our lives that also defined us? 

My point is, it’s really easy (especially for me, as I’m shy and don’t like conflict or stepping on people’s toes) to just fall into an easy relationship where we talk about our daily lives and just skim the surface on who we really are as people. 

But how much truer and deeper of a relationship can we have with a person when we dig down and really get to know them? When we do this, we can be so much better at offering them encouragement when they’re going through something difficult. We can be a prayer warrior for them because we know their worries and their concerns on an intimate level. We can provide them with solace -- a place to go when they feel like they’re dealing with something alone. 

I know I sure need this in a friend, and I’m willing to bet there are others out there who feel this way too. So my challenge to myself for at least the rest of the year (my goal will be for longer, but sometimes, I have to start small) is to ask the deeper questions; to not be afraid to go there with my friends. And to hope that in return, we’re both blessed by it in the long run.

Megan Collier is a Macaroni Kid Family Wellness reader and we are so thankful she shared her story with us so we can pass it on to you.